I was going to write "Confessions of a..." then I didn't know what to put. Who am I? I'm not a mother. I'm not a teacher. I'm a housewife. Great. Have I ever written a sad and angry post? Well here goes my confessions.
I've acted depressed today.
I am depressed today.
I spent the entire afternoon watching Friends and playing Angry Birds wrapped in a blanket in my freezing apartment. Since when do I do stuff like this?
I spent the morning talking with my ayi, trying to get the electricity fixed and fretting about stuff like, there's a dust ball the size of a flea in the corner of the house. I have nothing else constructive to think about?
All I want to do is eat.
I spent yesterday and the day before looking for and applying for jobs that I'm not sure I want. Today I recorded my voice to get a job dubbing for one day when I don't really even want to do it.
I feel worthless.
I can't be a mother, and I now finally given the opportunity I don't know if I even want to be a teacher anymore. I have no idea who I am, and honestly I kind of like staying in the house all day. And I can't stop thinking about beating the next level of angry birds. What is wrong with me.
Who am I?
I thought I was supposed to be something great someday. Here I am. Not a mother. Not a teacher. What great things have I done? I don't even know if I like teaching anymore. I'm gearing up to pretend to know what I'm doing next week as a sub.
I thought I liked staying home. I do like staying home. I want to be productive and feel like a piece of trash on days like today when I'm not, but it sounded like torture to do anything today.
I'm still sad. Why does the world keep moving on and I'm still here. Not understanding where I'm going and why.
Your identity is in Christ, that's who you are. OK, yes, I do know that, but my identity is in Christ and I'll sit here on the couch and keep watching Friends tomorrow too. Is that OK?
I was doing so well last week. What happened?
And one more thing: Every single blog I'm subscribed to has pictures of friends'/family's kids. Successfully born. Successfully adopted. I don't like these pictures right now. Is that OK? Am I even allowed to say that?
My Dearest Stephie, May I speak truth to you? You are of great value, precious one. We love you so very much, and so does He.
ReplyDeleteFirst let me say what you are is grieving. You are mourning a huge loss in your life and it is perfectly natural for you to grieve. With grieving there are waves: depression, anger, calm, fear, hope. Like waves in the ocean, these waves grow and swell and crash and recede. They don't come in any order, but keep coming one after the other. Over time calm and hope will grow stronger and depression, anger, and fear will grow weaker. But the waves continue. Don't try to fight the tide. Try to flow with what you are feeling. Knowing that God is right there with you.
ReplyDeleteSecond who you are is you! You are uniquely you: like no other, made by God, loved by God! There are several things that you can do that use the gifts that God gave you, but they do not make you who you are!
Remember that you have people that love you and are praying for you.