Up and Down...How Do I Go Forward?

Several friends and family members have emailed me asking how I'm doing, wondering what they can do or say.  I wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing better--last weekend,today, and yesterday but not the day before that or two days before that. I guess I thought this would be the kind of grieving/disappointment where I would eventually "feel better" most of the time, but for me I've realized that I'm pretty all over the place depending on the day. I either have good, happy productive days, or sad, depressive don't do anything, don't want to see people days. So I guess I can say I'm doing better overall. I hate the do nothing lonely days, but I don't even want to try to get off the couch. The fact that it is cold outside doesn' t help. I've started working again which should help a lot. At least I have to get out the door for a portion of the day. Friends, don't be surprised if you see me one day and I,m fine, getting a lot done, seeing people and the next day I can't handle leaving my house. It's just how it is for now.
I hate it that I can't just get over this, move on and be enthusiastic about trying again. That's the main feeling right now...dread, the feeling you get when you know something is coming up, that you have to do but don't want to do. And I hate to even admit that because it means that I don't care about my other two little snowflakes. I do care, but knowing that I may go through another loss makes it so hard to move forward. And then I feel guilty that these two little ones are not getting the same level of enthusiasm, hope or eagerness as our first little one. I want to feel the same way as I did in October, but when I try to get in that mindset, it seems so ignorant to be hopeful in something that very well may not be successful.  I need realistic hope. Hope that doesn't deny the fact that these babies may never live here on this earth, but hope that still says, this is still good and right, this is all still worth it and because my God has already seen the unknown, I can trust him that he will carry me through it. I'm not there yet, but I want to be.