Depression

Dear family and friends,
I want you to know some things about me right now. I am deeply depressed. I am getting help, but progress will be slow and it is OK to say that I have depression. This trial in my life is a big deal and sometimes it is too much for me to handle.  We are looking into what anti-depression meds would be safe in the next couple of months because we'll be trying a second FET. It is important for me to say this because I have been very hard on myself about it and need to realize that people that love me do not judge me as much as I judge myself. My doctor said that most people go through a period of depression some time in their life. It is not ungodly. It does not make me weak or inferior or unloved. I am not guilty because this is happening to me. I didn't cause it or contribute to it and most days I am unable to suck it up and just "deal with it".  That's ok. This is big this is hard this is unfair, and no one ever should have to lose a child or the ability to have one.  Why is just a question I won't ever understand on this earth. Some people get 4 kids and some none. Good people and bad people, responsible and irresponsible people, Christians and pre-Christians, those with money and those without, those in full-time ministry and those not...this is not a punishment for something I did or didn't do. It's like any disease--no-one deserves it.
Right now, I have a hard time doing small tasks, waking up, keeping track of things, answering emails. I am not my normal self. I'm sorry if it is hard for me to put on a smile. That's why I may not want to attend events or call friends. I may cry randomly. I may not be able to hear certain conversations. I do need to function and I'm trying to do that every day, but sometimes it takes all my emotional and physical energy just to get dressed.  I know I judge myself more than anyone does. It hurts to see kids. It hurts to hear about another friend pregnant. It makes me physically sick and yet I truly am happy for my friends. I am.
I'm still grieving and giving myself a hard time for not being over it yet. I tell myself that its time and that I need to be a stronger person and that I'm not trusting God.  It's hard to believe those things aren't  true, but I am still deeply sad and completely hopeless as I look at the future.  This is OK. I'm in the middle of the journey.
I want to check out of life and responsibility, but know I can't. I day dream about getting hit by a bus so I can stay in bed for a long time. I long for heaven still.
I say these things to ask for prayer. That God will somehow pull me out of this despair and defeat and give me hope. We have scheduled our next FET for April 27. I need to stop beating myself up for being where I am, but yet get to a more positive frame of mind before then.  I need prayer and love more now than ever.