Our trip to the hospital yesterday was long, but more positive than I thought it would be. We talked to the doctor and she examined me. I didn't have any bad signs like bleeding. I got my blood taken to test the hcg levels again. Then I had an ultrasound. On the screen I could see one small but perfectly round black spot in the middle of my uterus. That was a gestational sac, but nothing could be see inside it. The doctor told us that the hcg level would reveal if it matched the ultrasound because with levels below 2000, the embryo can't be seen. We waited for what seemed like forever. When the results came back, the doctor spoke with us again, my level was 1342. The doctor said that this is in line with the ultrasound, and hopeful, but still with caution. We are thinking (hoping) that because the levels and ultrasound match that I am just about a week or so behind than what we thought and so we should be able to see more next week. We have another appointment for next Wednesday. Maybe the embryo implanted later than we thought. We still need lots of prayer
Emotionally, I am still a wreck (or more of a wreck). John says it's the hormones. I long for this up and down and questioning to be over. It,s like the world's longest waiting game, and it's torture.
We only saw one sac, and I'm sad about losing our other baby. I don't even know how to grieve this right now.I'm sad. I longed for both of our little ones to make it and to have each other. John and I keep using plural to talk about the baby. That made us sad last night.
I'm still so scared of losing this baby. I'm surrounded by pregnant women everywhere, and I fear what that will do to me if the baby doesn't make it. I long for contentment and peace and rest, but can't seem to find it.
Dear Stephanie - I have a friend who is also going through a trial right now. She has kept a blog for several years and I pulled these excerpts from her blog for her, but thought they might also speak truth to you.....(and I agree with John, it probably is at least in part the hormones)
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from themourofamily.blogspot.com
NOVEMBER 26, 2007
We can react with anger, frustration, anxiety and fear, and we would be no different than the world. OR, we can praise God and express [...] joy, and show the world that our God reigns and we have complete confidence in Him.
OCTOBER 16, 2008
ReplyDeleteI had to repeatedly CHOOSE to consider it joy during the trial. How did I do this? By crying out to God, saturating my mind in His word, claiming His promises, [...] and by keeping an eternal perspective. Life isn't about me and my happiness. It is about Him and His glory. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him (John Piper) and we can be most satisfied in Him even in the most difficult of circumstances.
MARCH 1, 2009
God is so good. He IS more than enough. Can we truly say with confidence, "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus?"
OCTOBER 29, 2009
ReplyDelete"Contrary to what you may have heard, God's highest purpose for you is not to make you comfortable, wealthy, and happy. If you have put your faith in him, he has something far more wonderful in mind for you--he plans to conform you to the likeness of his Son! He began to change you the day you yielded yourself to him, and he will continue this process throughout you[r] life. [...] The more you depend on his grace, wisdom, and power, the more you will be imitating the Lord Jesus (Luke 22:41-44)." [quote excerpted from"The Peacemaker" by Ken Sande.]
FEBRUARY 9, 2010
The truth is that when you are in the midst of a trial that God has ordained, and you walk in obedience in that trial, you are right where God wants you! You can rest in His love, His kindness and His presence. Don't waste your trial. It is a gift that God will use to conform you more to the likeness of His Son. So, don't waste the trial by complaining, despairing, or giving up. Instead, put on the armor of God and go to battle! "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness[.]" (2 Peter 1:3)
MARCH 3, 2010
How quickly our minds jump to thoughts of doubting God and His goodness when we are going through a trial. We may think, "Surely this can't be God's will for me! Where is God in all of this?" But God's promises are real. He will never leave us. He is for us and with us. However, He never promised us an easy life of comfort and prosperity. When things get tough, we need to preach the gospel to ourselves. We need to run to God's Word and saturate our minds with His very great promises. We need to consider it pure joy whenever we face trials of many kinds (James 1:2). God knows what He is doing and He is not hands-off, sitting back, watching and wondering how we are going to fix the "mess" we got ourselves into. No! God is sovereign--He orchestrates the events of every "mess."
MARCH 17, 2011
Because it is not about doing hard things for God that necessarily pleases Him. It is about faithful obedience to whatever He calls us. It is about being content where God puts us.
JULY 25, 2011
God has been showing me that I still have a long way to go in terms of trusting in His Sovereignty. It has been difficult to face fears and to believe God's Word. However, God has been so faithful--through His Word, my husband, "coincidental" sermons (HA!), "chance" meetings with people and some good butt-kicking by some godly women in my life (Lori and Kami) to remind me of TRUTH and how I am called to LIVE IT even when I don't feel like it.
MARCH 19, 2012
When you are in the midst of a trial, praying, asking God for help, you may have thought, "Where is God in this?" You may also wonder if He is helping, or why He can't he just take away the trial. Or, why can't you feel or sense His presence in the trial. But, here's what I have learned: God is in the circumstances, the details, ordering each step. He IS there. We must not base our belief in His presence on our feelings. Who can trust their feelings in the midst of a trial: wild, untameable, uncontrollable--our emotions dip and soar with the circumstances. When we are in the depths of despair, at the lowest point of the valley in our trial, we FEEL the lack of God's presence. In contrast, during times of blessing, we FEEL God's favor, His presence. But, God is with us in BOTH and our emotions belie the truth. The truth is that we CAN trust that God is ordaining our circumstances, the very trial we are in and that knowledge can bring PEACE in the trial, even joy. We can have hope. God will not abandon.
Thanks for the update. So glad to hear that things are still moving forward! Still praying for you.
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