Gone

The ultrasound yesterday showed no change in development from last week which means that somewhere around week five, our baby stopped growing. We are both very sad, disappointed. I am crushed. Again.
Most of you who know me, know I'm all emotion and can probably guess my feelings right now, so I'm going to stick to listing facts.
I've lost 3 babies this year.
I have to walk through a miscarriage this week.
I have to give myself another shot, ordered from HongKong, so that my body doesn't attack future babies with my Rh negative blood.
we've spent $20,000 on the adoption and transfers not including drugs and plane tickets.
we do not qualify for most traditional international adoption programs.
this past month was my first time being pregnant.
I don't know if I can do this physically or emotionally again.
If we don't do this again, we have to start over with homestudy and at least another $20,000.
we loved these babies.
they were the only chance to give their one sibling (son of the genetic parents) a brother/sister.
Since October, I've had 2 transfer procedures, 4 months of taking drugs, 10 weeks of giving myself shots every morning.
I'm tired.
I don't know what to do with myself today, tomorrow, the rest of the summer.
I'm sorry that people's prayers weren't answered the way we wanted.
I'm sorry grandparents can't be grandparents, aunts, aunts, uncles, uncles.
we can't give up having children yet.
we do have children, you just can't see them.
We know, we did one thing right and difficult but courageous, we carried these lives to heaven.  And someday we will see our beautiful Korean/Chinese babies.


We are planning to have a little memorial service--desserts, message, singing, prayer on Sunday night at 7 at our place. It may be strange for some people, but we want to validate the lives we got to hold for a short time and celebrate them in their new eternal home. If you can come, we'd love to have you. This will help us grieve and move on, and we'd love your support.


if we don't do this again